Losing that “edge”
When I was in grade school, I dreamed of great things. Basketball player, president, senator… I knew I would succeed because I believed so much in my abilities that I knew even half-assing would bring me greatness. This feeling held throughout most of highschool. I dreamt of being rich, of owning mansions. That BMW I see would soon be reality for me. I was on an unstoppable path towards greatness as only someone destined to be, could be. And I believed all of this.
In college though, something changed. Maybe it was the effect of growing old, maybe it was the onset of cynicism that destroys fantasies. Maybe it was just me being a realist. Perhaps the state of the country had something to do with this, or the fact that I was a naturally lazy person who could rely on my natural abilities rather than on any hard work. Maybe I was losing my edge. I no longer loved money as much as I used to (although you can never say no). I grew bored of politics and business and drawing (I still liked writing - thank God). I was faced with a crisis! I still kept my fantasies, but they were no longer centered around the usual things people wanted. I was in search of a passion.
It was a combination of this change, plus an apparent lack of ability to think ahead, that contributed to my “dulling”. I was always a “for-the-present” guy. I rarely thought about the future, and when I did, it was with abstract ideals like “happiness”, “success”, “fulfillment”. It was never anything concrete, never anything to say that “Look, this is what I want to do.” For a person who always lives for the moment, this is very hard to do.
In many ways though, I’m glad that I still have the dreamer in me. Perhaps he dreams of other things now, like working for an non-profit environmental organization, or seeing as much of the world as he can, or writing columns… but he still dreams. And I still believe in my abilities. Looking back now, losing that “edge” could have been nothing more than changing the blade. And the wielder of the knife is so unused to seeing a new blade that he perceives dullness where there is sharp steel.