son of tofu

Gonna have an interview with Mabuhay Magazine for Editorial Assistant. Hopefully, I’ll be accepted, since it combines 2 things I really like - travel and writing.

Fingers crossed.

The world is seemingly ordinary and boring. it makes you think if there is any real supernatural phenomena that lies underneath all this seeming sameness. I’m not talking about ghosts and monsters either, although I do admit that supernatural phenomena does excite and terrify me. I’ve been reading Wikipedia this past few weeks, trying to gobble up as much info on such seemingly unexplainable. How do we find out what’s at the end of the universe? Is there a wall that encompasses this whole reality? Is there something beyond that wall? All this talk happens usually when one is out with friends… maybe drinking beer, or generally just pondering the nature of true reality. This makes me wonder how intelligent early philosophers like Socrates were, to have been able to grasp a little bit about the true nature of the universe. Then again, maybe part of it is ingrained in the old collective psyche of humankind. All in all, this makes for some great points to ponder, if you truly believe that there is something underneath what our ordinary senses tell us. And if there is, isn’t it amazing how much of the reality is truly unexplored, and how little we know about it?

I have a big problem. I’m suffering from brain drain. It’s as if my brain is melting into a puddle of incomprehensible babble and strange ideas. This blog is a large example of it. The Great Unmotivated Unwashed is the name I give to the legion of 20-something year olds who already suffer a midlife-midlife crisis. This phenomena NEET (Not in Education Employment of Training) is not something new, but only recently have I even tried to explain this. It may be part of a growing subculture of young people that are dissatisfied with the options given to them in a largely collapsing 21st century.

Let me talk a little bit about myself.

Being raised on a childhood that lacked responsibility, that consisted of myself being so different from others in my age group, and having nothing more than books and various forms of media to keep myself company, I found myself immersing more and more in fantasies and the world beyond my own. This resulted in being very-well read and curious, but also had the downside of expecting too much from life. I had to believe that everything about the world held an inherent interest to me. In books, I could explore life beyond my own. It also shielded me from learning how to deal with responsibility. The best way I could think of to deal with problems was to build an emotional wall away from other people. It allowed me to disassociate myself from others and be (so to speak), “robotic” in terms of my emotions. When my mother was sick, I used this wall a lot to be able to face it. This shell allowed me to cope with the hard truths of life, but also alienized me from other people. I was living in a bubble world, where none of life’s problems could affect me. If it did, I could easily retreat behind it, leaving all things like caring and emotions behind in the “real world”. Eventually, I would be able to integrate myself well in society, even growing up with barkada and friends. I was proud of this, since I developed a fear of dealing with people. Just like others could not deal with heights or cramped places, I found myself being frightened of large crowds and strangers. I viewed them both with distaste and caution. It took a very concerted effort on my part. Could I have blamed myself for this irrationality? Sure. I chose to blame others though. Yeah, yeah, fuck you and all that shit.

I never got rid of this wall though, and still used it to deal with others. I grew up curious and dissatisfied, frightened of myself and my future. I learned to live in the moment as a way, again, of coping with a future reality that I knew was only bound to be one of disappointment. I was just another frightened motherfucker scared of dealing with reality and who I was. And frankly, it bothered me. I wanted to run away from everything and everyone because I didn’t want to cope. What made matters worse was that I was aware how petty it all seemed. This wasn’t some sob story of OFW abuse, of real-life tragedy. It was just a story of some guy who was scared of facing the world.

Which brings me to the point that I want to make. I find it hard to deal with reality, as you know by now. I usually run away from problems or bury myself in obsessions that I pick up. I gave out this blogsite to quite a number of people, and if they manage to read this, I apologize for always running away from reality. It will take an incredible amount of effort and willpower on my part, but I will face my life. Strong words from someone who has been an underachiever, I know. But then again, how else can you start but by going strong? Believe me when I say I expect more out of myself than anybody else, brain drain notwithstanding.

Isn’t it funny how fast technology has evolved? I remember seeing the first pc my family bought and spend hours just watching it boot up. Imagine my reaction when i got to use a colored pc (Boy, nothing could top this!). How about cable? I even remember the heydays of pagers and easycall, when it was the must have accessory for conios and wannabes alike. Woe betide the person who didn’t have even a low tech one!

Now fast forward just a few years later, and you’ll find me on my monobloc chair (a great invention I might add), glued to the computer. All in all, thankful enough never to have used a typewriter.

The internet has changed much of the way we handle information. To me, it stands as the most significant invention of the past 20 years. Having started as a military project, it has become a staple not only in information, but also communication. The days of chatting on the phone has been replaced by instant messengers for the internet crowd. There is youtube, which allows a person to view millions of videos of every possible thing. Dogs crapping, to the old 80’s video you’ve always wanted to see again. Hell, we have internet celebrities like Tay Zonday and Samwell, whose fame is based on a mostly free enterprise.

Here in the Philippines, due to poor infrastructure, it takes a long time for technology to become mainstream, but if it’s useful and cool enough, then it will happen. Cellphones are the primary example of this. I was in high school when cellphones were just being introduced to the masses. It only about 5 years ago that it became the necessary gadget for everyone.

Technology the past 150 years or so has evolved faster than we’ve ever seen it. Seriously, what changes were made between, say, 1089 AD to 1357 AD (random years I chose)? Without looking at Wikipedia (another indispensable tool for the cramming student and the bored alike), I’d say not much. Which leads me to believe I’d be living on Mars in a few years.

And then nothing could top that!

Food is such a good thing. Whenever I see something that even looks good, I start becoming hungry again. There is something about food that is seemingly irresistible. I’ve experienced times when I was down to my last few wads of cash and chose to eat, not thinking whether I could even get home with the money I have. There are a few delicacies though, that stand out above all other dished. Even writing this post already makes me hungry. Without further ado:

CALDERETA  

There is something about this dish that makes me want to eat it all the time. Spicy, thick, and delicious. Beef is the meat of kings, I truly believe. This is the almighty pulutan, the dish where goats end up in. Also a dish I believe nobody could hate.

  KEBAB

Why does this stuff taste so good? There is something about that white sauce (garlic sauce?) and the buttered rice which makes this dish irresistible. Waiters beware of murderous eyes staring at that slab of meat on that plate. Maybe this is the thing that will bring peace to the Middle East.

ICE CREAM 

I truly believe that whoever invented ice cream was a genius. How could a combination of milk and ice be so addictive? It’s almost surreal. When eating ice cream, I feel a lightheaded-ness that allows me to be at peace with the world. A work of art and genius. 10/10.

Obesity is a problem of many people (and I thank my metabolism that I’m not obese). With all the delicious food at the modern world’s disposal, I can’t say I blame them for being fat.

How to stay clear of these myriad of fatteningly delicious delicacies? It’s a conundrum that won’t be answered soon.

When I was in grade school, I dreamed of great things. Basketball player, president, senator… I knew I would succeed because I believed so much in my abilities that I knew even half-assing would bring me greatness. This feeling held throughout most of highschool. I dreamt of being rich, of owning mansions. That BMW I see would soon be reality for me. I was on an unstoppable path towards greatness as only someone destined to be, could be. And I believed all of this.

In college though, something changed. Maybe it was the effect of growing old, maybe it was the onset of cynicism that destroys fantasies. Maybe it was just me being a realist. Perhaps the state of the country had something to do with this, or the fact that I was a naturally lazy person who could rely on my natural abilities rather than on any hard work. Maybe I was losing my edge. I no longer loved money as much as I used to (although you can never say no). I grew bored of politics and business and drawing (I still liked writing - thank God). I was faced with a crisis! I still kept my fantasies, but they were no longer centered around the usual things people wanted. I was in search of a passion.

It was a combination of this change, plus an apparent lack of ability to think ahead, that contributed to my “dulling”. I was always a “for-the-present” guy. I rarely thought about the future, and when I did, it was with abstract ideals like “happiness”, “success”, “fulfillment”. It was  never anything concrete, never anything to say that “Look, this is what I want to do.” For a person who always lives for the moment, this is very hard to do.

In many ways though, I’m glad that I still  have the dreamer in me. Perhaps he dreams of other things now, like working for an non-profit environmental organization, or seeing as much of the world as he can, or writing columns… but he still dreams. And I still believe in my abilities. Looking back now, losing that “edge” could have been nothing more than changing the blade. And the wielder of the knife is so unused to seeing a new blade that he perceives dullness where there is sharp steel.

I’ve always seen myself as a gamer. My childhood was spent in front of the television, playing console games ranging from Duckhunt, to Spartan X, to Mario. I played Final Fantasy, was immersed in a myriad of RPG’s. I spent years playing Ragnarok Online, dreamed of better pc’s, not for editing, or the speed, but simply for its capacity to run better games. Graphics whore, lore nut, I probably spent a few actual years of my life playing games.

What is it about games that generate so much addiction? At the end of the day, it seemed, I was just another junkie, getting my high off these games. Online games in particular, were highly appealing to me. Perhaps it was because the real world, in contrast, seemed so dull and boring. Sometimes I felt it was what I was meant to do, play my life out as some Undead Rogue.

For many people, games serve as an escape from reality. It’s a way of coping with stress, and enjoying themselves amidst some fun competition. Other people see it as a form of social interaction. I once wrote a paper on how we can be the persona we choose to be in online games. Maybe some people like it that way. Games also serve as a way of stoking one’s ego. How many times has that high-leveled paladin turn out to be some guy who works in a fastfood chain selling burgers? You’ll be some lowly guy in real life, but you can be a king in a game. Who can say no to that?

In my opinion, gaming is a much deeper subject than many people realize. It’s something so full of potential that people see only the external appearances of games, and, unless they’re gamers themselves, often neglect to see the meaning in a few bunch of pixels.

Then again, maybe that’s all there is to it.

After a week of walking the stretch of road along the river, it seems that I realized how much I like seeing nature, trees, all that kind of stuff.

My dad and I walked 5-6 kilometers along the walkpath beside the Marikina river, and the same route back. Along the way, I got to see farms, carabaos, and lots (LOTS) of dead frogs. Marikina river isn’t exactly the cleanest river, but being able to feel the breeze, and walk alongside fields was a refreshing experience. Hopefully I can bring a camera next time and take a few pictures.

Next project: get a bike and travel Luzon… Hopefully when I’m a little fitter.

Picked up from the WoW forums… I liked it.

Kobold dig through earth and clay
Little light to show the way
Kobold hope that some day
Kobold have his own dark place

Kobold know he look like rat
But Kobold show he more than that
Kobold, he is more like man
Kobold think…so Kobold am

Kobold work for shiny things
Metal that shines and jewels that gleam
Kobold hope that soon he will
Have Kobold smile like Goldtooth’s grill

Kobold want to have a life
With Kobold kids and Kobold wife
So Kobold dig and scratch and pick
Below the dirt where air is thick

Beware you heroes who venture in
To take our gold and take our tin
Kobold throw pick, Kobold say:

“You no take candle!”

Not today

Back in green baby!